What was I thinking?

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What in the world could have possibly possessed me to change this many things at one time? I'm in a whirlwind of crazy and I can't find a single thing to focus on so I don't get dizzy. I need a beat to think about how to put this all together and make it work, but I can't afford that second. Yet here I am posting a blog about it. Maybe I should spend my time more wisely? Maybe I just know that doing something else right now would just frustrate me. I feel like I need a giant white board and I need to write out the steps to each day for myself and all of the kids so we know what to do and who is going to be where and how much money it's going to cost and how much we have left.

I feel like I'm failing at being me at the moment and that is not a nice feeling. I am smart and I pick up new things quickly, but I feel completely inefficient at my new job, I feel like a brooding teenager! I want to yell "God! I just can't do anything right!" and slam a door on someone. I'm used to knowing everything about my office, and knowing the patients and knowing the doctor so well, that he doesn't even have to ask for what he needs, he just has to look at me in a certain way, or I just know because of what he is doing that he will need a certain tool. Now I am floundering, I feel like an idiot at least 3 times a day. I know it's part of the learning curve, but come on! The job isn't hard. I just lost my confidence. I am used to being a rock star at school, but I can't focus on anything. Every time I try to read my eyes want to close. When I try to think about my next English essay I know I can't write the quality of paper that I want to because I'm going to get lost and lose focus and end up with a BS piece of garbage. I'm worried about my husbands health, and how our financial stress will affect him. I know this is not productive thinking, but I just needed to get it out. I'm feeling so pessimistic and just dark right now. My cousin's daughter just passed away from stupid fucking cancer, and I feel guilty for being upset about how well I'm doing in school and how fucking broke we are when there are people around me with unimaginable suffering going on in their lives. This blog is the pits!!! Sorry guys. I hope to have some better writing in the near future. Maybe I will post my essay about literature after I get it graded.

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