Crazy Happenings
There are 3 big things going on right now that have me exteremely figity. Every time any of them even cross my mind I get the free fall feeling in my stomach, which is annoying.
One: I have 2 weeks of this course and then I will be on my last course - after that is extern. I am nervous about extern and about trying to get a job after that. I have a lot of stuff to do for school before I go out on extern. I know it won't be a big deal once I get started on the assignments, but it is just a daunting task hanging in front of me. It's like 10 times worse than a sink full of dishes that you know you have to do, but you just really would rather not.
Two: Josh is leaving. It's going to be weird, and I know the girls are going to miss him. I am going to miss the smart ass too. and to be honest I have felt a little pushed aside because I am not his parent. It really is my own doing, because I let myself fade into the background during big events where Steve and Kathy are both there for their kids. I think that's what I would want Franks girlfriend (Jerrica) to do if it were something important for Kayla, so that's what I do. But I feel like I am more to Josh than what Jerrica is to Kayla. And to be honest I feel a little gyped. I came into that kids life when he was 10 years old. After talking to him today and realizing he doesn't even remember living in this house before I was here, I realize that I have been present for the most memorable parts of his life so far.I think I will be the one to miss his daily presence the most. Right now I am taking the fact that he is only going to boot camp right now, and holding on to that idea. I'm sure I will be much more anxious once he is deployed. I wanted a son - and I have one, and all of the stress that comes with it.
Three: My Grandma is sick. She has cancer in her asophagis, kidney, spine, and stomach. She has been switched from hydrocodone for pain to oxycodone. She isn't eating as much and is losing weight. Her mental capacity is dwindling. She refuses any treatment, and is basically going to deal with whatever comes up, and treat the pain. She is under the care of my mother and a transitional nurse visits her. My grandma is the strongest, most stubborn little polish woman ever, and it is so hard to see her not her normal self. I dream about her at least twice a week right now, and I am constantly thinking about her during the day - and like I said every time she passes through my thoughts I get the free fall feeling.
So there you go - things are going well besides those 3 things. and really the first two aren't that bad they are just making me anxious - but really what doesn't make me anxious. and on another good note I am still rocking school. Mostly 10's on my check-offs, All A's on my tests so far. and I am loving this course. specialties are really interesting.
I would love good thoughts, prayers, vibes, good juju, protection and healing spells, or whatever else you feel comfortable sending for My son and my grandma, and maybe some calming vibes for myself.
One: I have 2 weeks of this course and then I will be on my last course - after that is extern. I am nervous about extern and about trying to get a job after that. I have a lot of stuff to do for school before I go out on extern. I know it won't be a big deal once I get started on the assignments, but it is just a daunting task hanging in front of me. It's like 10 times worse than a sink full of dishes that you know you have to do, but you just really would rather not.
Two: Josh is leaving. It's going to be weird, and I know the girls are going to miss him. I am going to miss the smart ass too. and to be honest I have felt a little pushed aside because I am not his parent. It really is my own doing, because I let myself fade into the background during big events where Steve and Kathy are both there for their kids. I think that's what I would want Franks girlfriend (Jerrica) to do if it were something important for Kayla, so that's what I do. But I feel like I am more to Josh than what Jerrica is to Kayla. And to be honest I feel a little gyped. I came into that kids life when he was 10 years old. After talking to him today and realizing he doesn't even remember living in this house before I was here, I realize that I have been present for the most memorable parts of his life so far.I think I will be the one to miss his daily presence the most. Right now I am taking the fact that he is only going to boot camp right now, and holding on to that idea. I'm sure I will be much more anxious once he is deployed. I wanted a son - and I have one, and all of the stress that comes with it.
Three: My Grandma is sick. She has cancer in her asophagis, kidney, spine, and stomach. She has been switched from hydrocodone for pain to oxycodone. She isn't eating as much and is losing weight. Her mental capacity is dwindling. She refuses any treatment, and is basically going to deal with whatever comes up, and treat the pain. She is under the care of my mother and a transitional nurse visits her. My grandma is the strongest, most stubborn little polish woman ever, and it is so hard to see her not her normal self. I dream about her at least twice a week right now, and I am constantly thinking about her during the day - and like I said every time she passes through my thoughts I get the free fall feeling.
So there you go - things are going well besides those 3 things. and really the first two aren't that bad they are just making me anxious - but really what doesn't make me anxious. and on another good note I am still rocking school. Mostly 10's on my check-offs, All A's on my tests so far. and I am loving this course. specialties are really interesting.
I would love good thoughts, prayers, vibes, good juju, protection and healing spells, or whatever else you feel comfortable sending for My son and my grandma, and maybe some calming vibes for myself.
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