The guilt of it all
Today I am writing from Capitola. The weather here is perfect for writing this blog. It's so overcast and cold. I have been here since Tuesday and it is now Friday and every morning has been hot and sunny then around 2pm the fog rolls in and it gets chilly. Today is different. It was cold when i woke up.
I am here because my grandma is dying. It sounds harsh to say it that way but I can't think of another dance around the word way to say it. She has cancer and it is killing her. I am here because I wanted to see her again before she was gone. I have stayed longer than I planned when i left my house on Tuesday. And I'm probably going to stay longer. I feel bad for leaving my kids (not that they are alone - they are taken are of) but I would also feel bad if I left and she died. I feel bad every time she stirs around in her bed, because I know she is either in pain or she just wants to get out of here (physically or spiritually - I can't tell)
It hasn't gotten any easier now that she isn't really talking anymore. I thought it would be, but it's not. She saw me on Tuesday when I came in the house. She was awake and she saw me and I hugged her and she pressed her head into my neck to hug me back. Her lips moved as if she were talking to me but nothing came out so I just smiled and nodded at her. I sat by her bed and held her hand and she patted my arm and drifted off to sleep again. I stayed there and she opened her eyes a few more times and saw me sitting there with her so she would resume patting my arm. Once she fell all the way back to sleep that was the last time she seemed to know what was going on around her. We got her up one more time to go to the bathroom because she was aggravated about being in the bed, but she didn't really know what was going on.
Last night she went through another fit of aggression and she opened one eye. She was moaning and tossing in the bed, but her eye opened and I caught it for a minute. she stopped for a short time with that one eye on my face. I said "it's ok grandma, its ok" her eye rolled up and closed and she resumed her tossing about. I wanted to cry, or throw up or both. Actually I have felt like I just got off a tilt-a-whirl since I got here. I feel sea sick. I feel like I should go home, but I know if I do I will feel like I need to come back here. There is so much guilt that comes along with a loved one dying.
Dear, Grandma
You are stubborn and old school and never told us you loved us. You showed us how much you cared by how much you fed us. You amazed me with how strong you were and you astounded me when your 5'2" (ya right) frame bent in half and you put our palms flat on the ground. You stopped fights between me and my sister and me and my cousin. You told me over and over again that my sister would be my best friend one day and I didn't believe you but you were right. You had the best tan of anyone I know. You taught me to fend for myself. I always loved being here. Sitting in the hot tub reading a book yesterday made me flash back to doing the same thing at a younger age and made me realize that living here I developed a love of books. I read baby sitters club and sweet valley high here. I read the Outsiders and couldn't put it down. You found me in the bathroom crying because I had snuck in there to finish the book after bed time. I dipped into Agatha Christy and had to sleep with the lights on. The first time I shaved my legs was in that shower. My first huge crush was the grandson of one of the neighbors. You were here for all of it. You are still amazing grandma. You will always be amazing. I will tell you that I love you, and tell you that it is ok to stop being so stubborn. We will all be ok. Someone else will take care of the condo too so don't worry about that. We will all be fine, so let go.
I love you!
Jessica
I am here because my grandma is dying. It sounds harsh to say it that way but I can't think of another dance around the word way to say it. She has cancer and it is killing her. I am here because I wanted to see her again before she was gone. I have stayed longer than I planned when i left my house on Tuesday. And I'm probably going to stay longer. I feel bad for leaving my kids (not that they are alone - they are taken are of) but I would also feel bad if I left and she died. I feel bad every time she stirs around in her bed, because I know she is either in pain or she just wants to get out of here (physically or spiritually - I can't tell)
It hasn't gotten any easier now that she isn't really talking anymore. I thought it would be, but it's not. She saw me on Tuesday when I came in the house. She was awake and she saw me and I hugged her and she pressed her head into my neck to hug me back. Her lips moved as if she were talking to me but nothing came out so I just smiled and nodded at her. I sat by her bed and held her hand and she patted my arm and drifted off to sleep again. I stayed there and she opened her eyes a few more times and saw me sitting there with her so she would resume patting my arm. Once she fell all the way back to sleep that was the last time she seemed to know what was going on around her. We got her up one more time to go to the bathroom because she was aggravated about being in the bed, but she didn't really know what was going on.
Last night she went through another fit of aggression and she opened one eye. She was moaning and tossing in the bed, but her eye opened and I caught it for a minute. she stopped for a short time with that one eye on my face. I said "it's ok grandma, its ok" her eye rolled up and closed and she resumed her tossing about. I wanted to cry, or throw up or both. Actually I have felt like I just got off a tilt-a-whirl since I got here. I feel sea sick. I feel like I should go home, but I know if I do I will feel like I need to come back here. There is so much guilt that comes along with a loved one dying.
Dear, Grandma
You are stubborn and old school and never told us you loved us. You showed us how much you cared by how much you fed us. You amazed me with how strong you were and you astounded me when your 5'2" (ya right) frame bent in half and you put our palms flat on the ground. You stopped fights between me and my sister and me and my cousin. You told me over and over again that my sister would be my best friend one day and I didn't believe you but you were right. You had the best tan of anyone I know. You taught me to fend for myself. I always loved being here. Sitting in the hot tub reading a book yesterday made me flash back to doing the same thing at a younger age and made me realize that living here I developed a love of books. I read baby sitters club and sweet valley high here. I read the Outsiders and couldn't put it down. You found me in the bathroom crying because I had snuck in there to finish the book after bed time. I dipped into Agatha Christy and had to sleep with the lights on. The first time I shaved my legs was in that shower. My first huge crush was the grandson of one of the neighbors. You were here for all of it. You are still amazing grandma. You will always be amazing. I will tell you that I love you, and tell you that it is ok to stop being so stubborn. We will all be ok. Someone else will take care of the condo too so don't worry about that. We will all be fine, so let go.
I love you!
Jessica
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