My Day Sucked.

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Today was hard. I wish I was stronger. I had to go to a conference at my daughters school about her grades. Her Father was there and I was basically blamed for everything wrong with my daughters life. I left and cried in the parking lot. I went to school and distracted myself for a while. I came home and sat with Kayla for about 2 hours doing her homework. I fed the kids and started my homework, when kayla decided she wanted to have her hair dyed. I told her no, and the fit began. One thing leads to another and Kayla is calling her dad and crying. She refused to give me the phone and screamed that she was afraid of me. She is really enjoying this playing us against each other stuff.
I got into a conversation with him and ended up telling him I don't want to talk to him I hate seeing his face because it reminds me of when he Beat the crap out of me. He tried apologizing but never actually admitted that he did it. He said "I'm sorry" and I asked him "sorry for what, for denying that it ever happened or are you actually apologizing for what you did to me.?"
I told him To stop patronizing me by apologizing for something he couldn't even admit doing. He ended up basically saying I needed to get counseling for what he did to me. Then told me That I was Bi-Polar. I yelled "F*&$ you frank", and hung up the phone. I'm not Bi-polar, my doctor said so..... And even if I was - that is not OK to say to someone. And I have seen a counselor, but it's really none of his business. I don't know how I am going to deal with his sudden involvement in my daughters life. After 11 years he decides he wants to be a father, and he has no idea how to do that. This is going to be really hard, especially while I am trying to work out my own personal issues.

On a good note, Kayla's homework is done and so is mine. I also got a better score on the test from Monday than I thought I did. I only ,missed 3.

One thing I have noticed with the change in my medication is that my emotions are on my sleeve. The Celexa was really numbing me, and now it's like raw. I also had really bad anxiety at school yesterday. It was like I was about to do something really scary, I kept getting like a flood of adrenaline. Very annoying.

Time to go to bed and let this day be over. Thank you for your support, and understanding of my rambling posts. Positive thoughts are always appreciated. I'm feeling like I'm failing as a mom right now. I'm letting him to get to me, so I need some loving words to counteract that.

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