Jessica Thinks

There are 3 big things going on right now that have me exteremely figity. Every time any of them even cross my mind I get the free fall feeling in my stomach, which is annoying. One: I have 2 weeks of this course and then I will be on my last course - after that is extern. I am nervous about extern and about trying to get a job after that. I have a lot of stuff to do for school before I go out on extern. I know it won't be a big deal once I get started on the assignments, but it is just a daunting task hanging in front of me. It's like 10 times worse than a sink full of dishes that you know you have to do, but you just really would rather not. Two: Josh is leaving. It's going to be weird, and I know the girls are going to miss him. I am going to miss the smart ass too. and to be honest I have felt a little pushed aside because I am not his parent. It really is my own doing, because I let myself fade into the background during big events where Steve and Kathy are both there ...

Another course is ending tomorrow. 17 people are leaving (graduating) and they are going to be missed. Things are changing all around me. New classmates, summer vacation for the kids, Steve is probably getting a job, it's a lot of change. I am happy about all of it, but it's just hard for me to figure out how to adjust myself to the changes. I will meet all of the new students on Friday at the orientation, I will find a baby sitter for the kids if Steve gets the job, and I will figure out how to be a student and a housewife, so I will be ready to fall back into the working mom role once I graduate. The house needs a major clean sweep. I think Spring Cleaning is an understatement. We need paint, garage sale, bathroom redo, etc... It's getting overwhelming. It makes me wish the girls were all older so that if I do it now I know it will stay nice for a while. I feel like it would be wasting our time to fix everything up now, when they will just write on the walls again next we...

We are going into he 3rd week of the course on sealants at school. This is going to be another frustrating course. I still need another patient in order to even pass this course. I have decided to remove the sanity scale because it was kind of annoying to try to put a number on my mood. The Prozac seems to be working OK. I feel a little better, and less depressed, but I am still tired all of the time. I'm starting to think I just have chronic fatigue instead of depression. I started working for a restaurant -passing out coupons and trying to sell their catering services. I have also been filling in on some weekend nights as cashier to help them out and make a little extra money. And I got my step son a job there as a dishwasher. Working the register kills my knees and makes me so damn tired. but I feel a little better about myself because I am doing something to bring in some money while I am in school. I have to give props to my husband (because he said I do) for keeping up with t...

Today was hard. I wish I was stronger. I had to go to a conference at my daughters school about her grades. Her Father was there and I was basically blamed for everything wrong with my daughters life. I left and cried in the parking lot. I went to school and distracted myself for a while. I came home and sat with Kayla for about 2 hours doing her homework. I fed the kids and started my homework, when kayla decided she wanted to have her hair dyed. I told her no, and the fit began. One thing leads to another and Kayla is calling her dad and crying. She refused to give me the phone and screamed that she was afraid of me. She is really enjoying this playing us against each other stuff. I got into a conversation with him and ended up telling him I don't want to talk to him I hate seeing his face because it reminds me of when he Beat the crap out of me. He tried apologizing but never actually admitted that he did it. He said "I'm sorry" and I asked him "sorry for what...

I am with a new doctor and she prescribed me Prozac instead of the Celexa that I was previously on. I told her that I wasn't feeling like the Celexa was working for me as much as it did in the beginning. I have been on it for about a week and a half now, and I haven't seen much of a difference, but I know I need to give it time. School is going well. I am keeping my grades up and learning a lot. I was feeling disappointed after the last course because it was so hard, but I still got a B in lab and an A in Lecture, so I feel better about it now. Starting out on the course I started with really set me up with high expectations. I have noticed myself feeling disappointed if I don't get 100% on my tests and thats unrealistic. So I have decided to make an effort to give myself credit when I do a god job, and not be so hard on myself. I honestly don't have a rating for myself this week. So I'm just going to wait until I feel some kind of effect from the new medications.

I'm not sure whats going on with me, but I have been clenching my teeth so bad that I'm waking up with a sore jaw. I wore my night guard last night even though I already bit through the front of it. and now I apparently bit my lip. I have been so tired all of the time. I can not keep myself awake. I finally have insurance again so I am going to make an appointment with a doctor, and hopefully He can help. I went from having trouble falling asleep to passing out before my head hits the pillow. I just want sleep, but I know I shouldn't be so tired.

My brothers girlfriend bought tickets for the 2 of us to see Wicked (the musical) in San Francisco, for my bithday. It was so much fun. The show was amazing. I want to go again. The set was beautiful, the songs were great. the actors were talented. Glinda was hillarious, and the woman playing Elphaba was an amazing singer. The chorus was great. The whole show was just awesome. Our seats were great (7th row)We had a good dinner with Clam chowder and seafood alfredo at the Market Street Grill accross the street from the Orphium. We got lost on our way back to my house but it was funny instead of frustrating. We stopped at 7-11 and both admitted to having the urge to tell the random customers in the store that we had just seen Wicked. It was a great experience. and I hope to see the play again before it leaves SF. Sanity levels are all over the place this week. I have been sick and exhausted, and excited and happy, anxious because the dentist had to come in our class and examine u...