Jessica Thinks

I wanted to post a nice well thought out long blog today, but I am at the library and Abby is just going nuts with the puppy in training and I can't post much because I have to make sure she doesn't kill the poor thing. She has turned into captain destructo in the last few weeks. I don't know what to do with her. Hopefully I can get a blog written soon.

I almost forgot to post about my new endeavor. I am trying to quit smoking. I have switched from regular cigarettes to Ecigarettes.I haven't had a cigarette in over 4 days. I' doing great with the ecigarette. I have no cravings for a real on at all. I am going to slowly step down the nicotine levels until I am off of it completely. I will keep you updated on my progress. I am also seriously considering the Master Cleanse. If anyone has experience with this let me know about it.

School is over I have officially started my externship. The externship is actually considered the last course of school before I am a graduate. It is 6 weeks long just like all of the other courses, but we do not go to class. Instead we go to work at a dentist office for a minimum of 180 hours to get on the job training and practice what we have learned in a clinical setting. I had major issues getting a site lined up. I was originally planning on going to a site in Mountain House, but the instructors wanted to send me to a site that they thought needed further evaluation as an extern site for them to use in the future. I agreed to go to that site and gave up Mountain House to my really good friend. Then I started having second thoughts about that site and when I told the program director about my thoughts she called the dentist herself and then decided I should not go there. I was all set up to go to another site that I had heard from a former student was really good. then the career ...

I've always loved that lyric from Fiona Apple. "Full is not heavy as empty" This is so true. Just think how heavy things feel when they are empty. Of course I'm not talking about containers, but things in life... or just life itself. Right now I'm about half full. I have my kids and my husband and I am working on getting a career started. So half full is about accurate. Studying for my exit final is stress on a stick. (thanks Laura now everything is on a stick) I don't have a lot of time for a long post right now since I am at a friends house and I feel bad for letting her ply with my kids so I can indulge in the internet. I will be back soon though. i have 5 more days before I start my weening from prozac. So I will be back to update.

So here I am in my car hoping the battery on my laptop holds out until I am done with this post. I am using the free wireless from the library which is closed. Luckily it's not 100 degrees outside right now. I'm begging the higher power for a calm after this storm. I am almost done with classes. I start my extern soon. Steve started a job and everything should be great. Instead I am going nuts. The Dr wants me to come off of prozac, because she is really old and thinks that if I quit smoking and I take the kids for a walk outside I will get better. Super! We are getting notices left and right and I feel like I need to make some kind of list of what is the most important - what should be paid first when money starts coming in - and how long we have to live this way before we can have some normal stuff back. I won't bore you with that list here, but it will be a very very long list. We need a baby sitter after these first 2 weeks of Steve working and I am not ready for the ki...

There are 3 big things going on right now that have me exteremely figity. Every time any of them even cross my mind I get the free fall feeling in my stomach, which is annoying. One: I have 2 weeks of this course and then I will be on my last course - after that is extern. I am nervous about extern and about trying to get a job after that. I have a lot of stuff to do for school before I go out on extern. I know it won't be a big deal once I get started on the assignments, but it is just a daunting task hanging in front of me. It's like 10 times worse than a sink full of dishes that you know you have to do, but you just really would rather not. Two: Josh is leaving. It's going to be weird, and I know the girls are going to miss him. I am going to miss the smart ass too. and to be honest I have felt a little pushed aside because I am not his parent. It really is my own doing, because I let myself fade into the background during big events where Steve and Kathy are both there ...

Another course is ending tomorrow. 17 people are leaving (graduating) and they are going to be missed. Things are changing all around me. New classmates, summer vacation for the kids, Steve is probably getting a job, it's a lot of change. I am happy about all of it, but it's just hard for me to figure out how to adjust myself to the changes. I will meet all of the new students on Friday at the orientation, I will find a baby sitter for the kids if Steve gets the job, and I will figure out how to be a student and a housewife, so I will be ready to fall back into the working mom role once I graduate. The house needs a major clean sweep. I think Spring Cleaning is an understatement. We need paint, garage sale, bathroom redo, etc... It's getting overwhelming. It makes me wish the girls were all older so that if I do it now I know it will stay nice for a while. I feel like it would be wasting our time to fix everything up now, when they will just write on the walls again next we...