Jessica Thinks

For 2 whole weeks I will be sitting at the front desk at my office. The office manager is going on vacation and I have been training as her back up since I started working there. I am kins of freaked out, but I think I will do fine. I really really hope nothing goes wrong though. I want to prove myself. I have been working hard to learn everything, but there is always the self doubt lingering in the back of my mind when I have to do something new for the first time. Lydia is really sick, and I tried hard to stay away from her as much as possible since there is no way I can take a day off if I end up contracting whatever it was she had. I cannot sleep on the bathroom floor while trying to run the office. Cross your fingers for me. I will just keep telling myself "You know what you are doing. you can do this."

I'm having a bad day. I hurt my back last night and it was still hurting badly when I woke up. I wanted to get the girls' room clean today, but that didn't happen. I had to take some pain medication just to sit peacefully on the couch. Josh took me to pick up the new phones Steve and I got. I wasn't thinking and I had them set up Steve's phone while I was in the store, which meant the phone he had with him at work today was useless. I fell asleep on the couch because I finally wasn't hurting so bad. Steve wasn't in such a great mood when he got home and I felt bad because the phone was frustrating him. I always get anxious when he is frustrated because I have a problem, where I take responsibility for whatever is irritating him. Even if it's not my fault. Then I feel guilty. Even though my back really hurts I feel like I shouldn't complain because Steve's back hurts every day. He has to take the same meds I took (once) every day just to be able t...

I set a goal of raising $200 in donations for Malaria nets. I always set goals and think "that won't be so hard" but then I get no donations. The Malaria nets are only $10 each. So I figured I could try to get 20 people to donate a net. We will see though. I would love to feel like I worked on something that is actually saving lives. If you want to donate here is the website I set up http://www.globalproblems-globalsolutions.org/goto/killthebuzz I also posted it on Facebook. If you don't want to get emails from the foundation and all of that you can definitely contact me and send the donation to me by mail and I will make sure it is added to the total. In other news my living room is a completely different place than it was a week ago. It's kind of crazy. We got couched from a friend, we bought a new entertainment center, coffee table, end table, ottomans, book shelves and a dvd shelf. it was a total mess in here for days. We finally got our income tax return and ...

As of yesterday we have internet at home again. This means more blogs. yay! So here we go. Things have been going really well on my new medication. Work is good and so is stuff at home. but as my friend Laura once said - I am not someone to blow sunshine up your ass. :) I've been having a hard time with the loss of my grandma. I'm still dreaming about her almost every night. I made a trip up to her house nad saw it all redone and almost ready to go on the market and i haven't had anymore dreams about being inside the house. I still dream about the pool and the building though. I hve been feeling guilty about not crying much over her loss. I am a big cryer. I have watched a few movies that made me start tearing up and I realized after that I kind of stop myself from crying by thinking "I didn't even cry when my grandma died - how can I be crying over this." I really miss her. It's almost my birthday again and I will be 31 this year. not such a milestone, bu...

Things have been crazy recently, but it's beginning to settle down. I got a job right down the street from my house in November. It was hectic at first, but I have gotten into somewhat of a routine in my office. my step-son has come and gone once again. we had 2 weeks with him for the Christmas holiday. He is done with his SOI training and is now stationed in Twentynine Plams CA. Apparently he will be deployed to Afghanistan in March. I am not happy about that, but he seems to be pretty stoked. Christmas was amazing. Everyone got what they wanted, including me. I got my NOOK! I've read over 2500 pages since i got it. Nice huh? New Years was fun. I went to Centerfolds with my hubby and had a good time. Abby turned 3 yesterday! My youngest baby is 3 years old. My 12 year old, Kayla kind of hit the nail on the head for me when she said " She's been 2 forever" it really has seemed that way. The Lexipro seems to be working pretty well for me. I'm feeling pretty goo...

A lot has happened since my last post. My grandma passed away on October 19th. we had her funeral and I was able to stand up and speak about her. I created a 12 minute slide show that was presented befor the services at the church. I also performed the graveside service. I felt I did as much as I could to memorialize my grandma. My step-son made me cry as a bearer at the funeral in his dress blues. Speaking of my stepson he left us again. Back down to Camp Pendelton in Oceanside to start his SOI training. It's a lot easier this time around since he is allowed to have his phone and we have been able to talk and text at least weekly. I saw a doctor finally and after being off meds for over a month I was placed on Lexapro. It's gotten to the point that I don't even know what I've been on. I don't remember if I've been on Lexapro, but it seem so be helping. It's been about 3 weeks so far. The tattoo shop down the street from my house had a special on any tattoo ...

Today I am writing from Capitola. The weather here is perfect for writing this blog. It's so overcast and cold. I have been here since Tuesday and it is now Friday and every morning has been hot and sunny then around 2pm the fog rolls in and it gets chilly. Today is different. It was cold when i woke up. I am here because my grandma is dying. It sounds harsh to say it that way but I can't think of another dance around the word way to say it. She has cancer and it is killing her. I am here because I wanted to see her again before she was gone. I have stayed longer than I planned when i left my house on Tuesday. And I'm probably going to stay longer. I feel bad for leaving my kids (not that they are alone - they are taken are of) but I would also feel bad if I left and she died. I feel bad every time she stirs around in her bed, because I know she is either in pain or she just wants to get out of here (physically or spiritually - I can't tell) It hasn't gotten any eas...