Jessica Thinks

I thought I would have so much fun in this class writing an article about something that I feel is important. I have been affected by the body positivity movement in so many ways and I am still on that journey. The women involved in the movement have created an online community where I can go at any time to listen to their little gems of wisdom,  hear their battle tales and feel connected to someone who has felt the way I am feeling. All of those women have been through the things I have been through and in most cases worse, because of their place in the public eye. I thought I would have it easy contacting some of these ladies for their input for my article. I was so wrong on all counts. I am miserable writing this story. I can't get a direct quote from anyone. I have too many ideas so I can't focus. I have not found a good lede or a good angle. I have come to realize I am not a journalist. I do not understand the rules to writing an article. I cannot take myself out of it. ...

I feel like the weeks are just slipping away from me. Do you ever feel like you need to grab the reigns and shout out a big 'ol WHOA!!! Everything is rushed, day after day goes rushing by and I feel like there's no time to accomplish anything. I don't know if that means I'm doing too much or if I feel out of control because I'm not planning anything ahead of time. Is this what it feels like when you just throw up your hands and say "fuck it" and just go with the flow and take care of things as they occur?  I cannot wait until writing is something I am assigned to do. Next semester I have a creative writing class as well as magazine. I will have to take the time to write or I won't pass. We all know I won't let that happen, so I will have to take the time. I'm just worried that I won't have anything to write about. I'm hoping for some good writing prompts in the beginning to get myself back into the groove. I haven't been able to wri...

Today after work I was very tired. My feet were hot and I was hungry. I went in my room to change for dinner and relax for a bit. My daughter knocked on the door, and I told her I would be out in a minute because I wasn't ready for 20 questions and the usual bickering that goes on between my two girls almost every day. As we were walking out the door to dinner Lydia informed us that Abby had taken their hamster out of its cage and left it in the cage with one of the bunnies (who currently lives indoors) but the hamster was nowhere to be found. We did a search of the house and couldn't find her (or Abby for that matter). We found Abby and continued looking for Gallifrey, the hamster. Deciding that eventually the hamster would come out of hiding, we left for dinner. I texted my oldest daughter and let her know what was going on, because she would be coming home while we were out. Dinner was delicious, as was dessert. We came home and met my daughter's boyfriend (nice kid),...

     Being an adult is really hard. Children are not trusted with life changing decisions, which is why they live such carefree lives. As adults we have to make decisions that can change everything not only for ourselves, but for our families as well. We are not infallible. We make the wrong decision on occasion and we suffer the consequences of those choices. It is a very adult thing, to admit that you have made the wrong choice.      We are taught that as adults we need to accept our mistakes and make the best of a poor situation. In essence we need to "grin and bear it." I've done a lot of grinning over the years and a lot of silent (well...semi-silent) suffering has given me a pessimistic attitude toward life's opportunities. It is a rare occasion when I feel that something will work out the way I had dreamed, but I am a well seasoned veteran of the "Suck-it-up" club.      I am done with the grin and bear i...

Things may have started out in their usual way for me, but this year took some weird turns. Half way through I made some decisions that I now regret. I turned my life upside down, thinking it would lead to better opportunities, more money, better benefits, and personal growth. I've never wished I could go back and change a decision I've made. This year I learned what regret feels like. It's a new year and all I can do is try my best to turn a bad situation into something positive, or find a way out of it. I have goals for the year and I refuse to let this disappointment stop me from achieving those goals.  This year: I will not quit school I will organize all of the paperwork in the entire house I will get a new couch I will read 10 books that are not assigned to me in school I will go to at least one event that I am excited about I will ride my bike at least one day a week I will practice ASL even if I am not in an ASL class I will do my best to be a happy person, a bette...

Amazingly,  school is going very well. Everything else on the other hand, has gone to shit. Leave it to me to give up something that was working out fine and move on to something I thought would make me even more happy and make me more money, only to end up making less overall and still not happy. I was supposed to get benefits, but I'm not, since I have school Monday mornings instead of working. I don't meet the minimum requirements for benefits. I am subjected to lengthy recaps of the previous days mistakes, as well as lengthy preparations for the following days duties. Although I have felt more useful lately, I still feel out of place. I am looking for something else to see if I can make a positive change. I did this whole thing once before when I quit my stable loan processing job, to work for a fly by night loan officer. Then I was screwed. I wish I could find a place doing Ortho where I also feel like I fit in with the team. I can't get over the feeling that they are ...

What in the world could have possibly possessed me to change this many things at one time? I'm in a whirlwind of crazy and I can't find a single thing to focus on so I don't get dizzy. I need a beat to think about how to put this all together and make it work, but I can't afford that second. Yet here I am posting a blog about it. Maybe I should spend my time more wisely? Maybe I just know that doing something else right now would just frustrate me. I feel like I need a giant white board and I need to write out the steps to each day for myself and all of the kids so we know what to do and who is going to be where and how much money it's going to cost and how much we have left. I feel like I'm failing at being me at the moment and that is not a nice feeling. I am smart and I pick up new things quickly, but I feel completely inefficient at my new job, I feel like a brooding teenager! I want to yell "God! I just can't do anything right!" and slam a d...