Jessica Thinks

I will be the first to admit that I think I'm dying. Every few days, there is something that I feel or see on or in my body that convinces me I have cancer, meningitis, plague or the flesh eating zombie virus. When my face hurts on the left side, I know it has to be a stoke. What do you mean "that's not what happens when you have a stroke"? Although I am a self-labelled hypochondriac, I'm a horrible one. Usually I only tell my husband when I think I'm dying and then we both laugh about it. He is not callous about my health concerns. He just knows, based on experience, that he will suggest I go to the doctor and I will not go. One of the things that causes me more anxiety than that weird mark  on my leg, is spending money on a copay to go find out what it is. (I wonder if I can get them to waive my co-pay based on the deep personal distress it causes me...probably not) All of these facts are just to illustrate how serious I am when I tell you about the thing...

No I'm not talking about drinking too much wine and embarrassing my husband. I'm talking about bath time. If you've never heard of LUSH Fresh Handmade Cosmetics, or visited one of their stores, you are missing out. Their products are Fresh and Handmade...duh. The stores smell amazing because most of the products are just piled on trays and plates, unpackaged. You can pick up and try anything in the store, just ask a sales associate. They will be happy to throw a Bath Bomb into a giant bucket of water so you can see how it fizzes. On a recent trip to my local mall I made a stop in this store to have a look around. After our bathroom remodel, I wanted to try out our new tub and wanted some accoutrements. I left with a few seasonal bath bombs shaped like bunnies for my daughters ( Hoppity Poppity ). A Big Blue Bath Bomb , a Honey Bee Bath Bomb , a Sakura Bath Bomb , a French Kiss Bubble Bar , and two Massage bars ( Yes Yes Yes  and Dirty ). My girls loved the Hoppity Pop...

2014 has been one of the most draining years of my life. I have dealt with so many huge issues this year, all while feeling like I am quite literally losing my mind. I used to be so articulate and smart. I'm not bragging, it's just true. recently I have lost my ability to think and retain information. It's getting very annoying, because I am not confused about it. I know it's happening and I can see people looking at me when I'm trying to form a thought into words. I am struggling with my writing and school work in areas that I have never had issues in the past. I am feeling inadequate and a little bit lost. This issue has complicated my year in many ways, but I am here. I'm sitting in front of my computer typing this goodbye letter to 2014 and welcoming 2015. I have to apologize to 2015 in advance because I will continue to write 2014 for at least 2 months. It's not that I don't appreciate 2015, it's just that 2014 and I have history, and old ...

I thought I would have so much fun in this class writing an article about something that I feel is important. I have been affected by the body positivity movement in so many ways and I am still on that journey. The women involved in the movement have created an online community where I can go at any time to listen to their little gems of wisdom,  hear their battle tales and feel connected to someone who has felt the way I am feeling. All of those women have been through the things I have been through and in most cases worse, because of their place in the public eye. I thought I would have it easy contacting some of these ladies for their input for my article. I was so wrong on all counts. I am miserable writing this story. I can't get a direct quote from anyone. I have too many ideas so I can't focus. I have not found a good lede or a good angle. I have come to realize I am not a journalist. I do not understand the rules to writing an article. I cannot take myself out of it. ...

I feel like the weeks are just slipping away from me. Do you ever feel like you need to grab the reigns and shout out a big 'ol WHOA!!! Everything is rushed, day after day goes rushing by and I feel like there's no time to accomplish anything. I don't know if that means I'm doing too much or if I feel out of control because I'm not planning anything ahead of time. Is this what it feels like when you just throw up your hands and say "fuck it" and just go with the flow and take care of things as they occur?  I cannot wait until writing is something I am assigned to do. Next semester I have a creative writing class as well as magazine. I will have to take the time to write or I won't pass. We all know I won't let that happen, so I will have to take the time. I'm just worried that I won't have anything to write about. I'm hoping for some good writing prompts in the beginning to get myself back into the groove. I haven't been able to wri...

Today after work I was very tired. My feet were hot and I was hungry. I went in my room to change for dinner and relax for a bit. My daughter knocked on the door, and I told her I would be out in a minute because I wasn't ready for 20 questions and the usual bickering that goes on between my two girls almost every day. As we were walking out the door to dinner Lydia informed us that Abby had taken their hamster out of its cage and left it in the cage with one of the bunnies (who currently lives indoors) but the hamster was nowhere to be found. We did a search of the house and couldn't find her (or Abby for that matter). We found Abby and continued looking for Gallifrey, the hamster. Deciding that eventually the hamster would come out of hiding, we left for dinner. I texted my oldest daughter and let her know what was going on, because she would be coming home while we were out. Dinner was delicious, as was dessert. We came home and met my daughter's boyfriend (nice kid),...

     Being an adult is really hard. Children are not trusted with life changing decisions, which is why they live such carefree lives. As adults we have to make decisions that can change everything not only for ourselves, but for our families as well. We are not infallible. We make the wrong decision on occasion and we suffer the consequences of those choices. It is a very adult thing, to admit that you have made the wrong choice.      We are taught that as adults we need to accept our mistakes and make the best of a poor situation. In essence we need to "grin and bear it." I've done a lot of grinning over the years and a lot of silent (well...semi-silent) suffering has given me a pessimistic attitude toward life's opportunities. It is a rare occasion when I feel that something will work out the way I had dreamed, but I am a well seasoned veteran of the "Suck-it-up" club.      I am done with the grin and bear i...