Jessica Thinks

I am participating in National Novel Writing moth this year. I have a goal of completing a novel by the end of November. I will post updates here so keep an eye out for info. Here is a short blurb about the novel I will be working on. "Clementine and Piper have been friends since they were born, not that they had much of a choice. With mother's who have known eachother since they were in 5th grade it's kind of hard to ignore one another. Good thing they made the decission that they couldn't live without eachother at the age of 4. Piper's life is about to change dramatically, and as always Clementine is right by her side, but this time is different. Boys and parents and the usual issues that come with growing up, don't hold a candle to this new hurdle. Clementine isn't quite sure how to get her best friend through this, until she finds a journal in her mothers closet. This tattered notebook may hold the key. The shared diary of the previous generation of

This is me. I am a Girl. Silly. Rambunctious. Frilly. Irresponsible. Curious. I am a Friend. Thoughtful. Fun. Supportive. Steadfast. I am a Mother. Loving. Selfless. Hopeful. Nurturing. Sentimental. Careful. I am a Wife. Loyal. In Love. Affectionate. Fair. I am a Woman. Emotional. Empathetic. Beautiful. Curvy. I am a Ginger. Temperamental. Feisty. I am Jessica. Anxious. Sad. Random. Sarcastic. Bored. Tired. Jealous. Snarky. Shy. Hungry. Smart. Obsessive. Rational. Bitchy. Animated. I swear. I yell. I smoke. I cry. I dance. I write. I sit. I read. I listen. I smile. I laugh. I work. I learn. I try. I give-up. I am a Contradiction. I am all of these things and more. This is me. I am what I am.

After months of being deployed to Afghanistan, my dear step-son finally got to come home. I was so glad to see him home and unharmed. We got to sit and talk, and then zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Out like a light on the couch for 5-7 hours a day. Still on Middle Eastern time. I had to resist the urge to wake him up so we could hang out. I did get in some time with him in between him sleeping and me sleeping or working. It will be nice to have him home for a longer stretch starting next week. Hopefully he figures out when night time is so we can get a chance to do more than just listen to him snore. I just want to say that I am so proud of him. He is becoming a Man. He does however retain his old Joshiness, which I love! I am starting to come to grips with the fact that he doesn't live here anymore. Since he left for boot camp it's always been a temporary thing. "He'll be gone for 3 months." "He'll only be gone for 5 months." "He gets to come Home

Nothing Gold Can Stay Nature's first green is gold Her hardest hue to hold Her early leaf's a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay. ~Robert Frost Love you Grandma!

I have a feeling that taking myself off of my meds was the right thing to do at the time. But I also feel like it might be time to look at finding the right anti depressant for me. So far I don't think any doctor has found the right one. My hypergraphia is so bad right now that I'm fighting constant temptation to just write on anything. I just found this in my drafts. guess I already wrote part of that last post earlier.

So much has been going on in life, that I have neglected my blog. I'm back today because I originally started this blog to help me deal with my depression and anxiety and both have come back at me full force recently. I had a health issue that probably falls under the TMI category so I wont share it here, but I came off of all of my meds in order to try and figure out what was going on. apparently there was nothing medically wrong with me. It has been probably 6 months since I stopped my meds, but I was doing really well. I had only a few episodes with extreme anxiety, but I handled them ok. but recently my depression is back worse than ever really. I am going to schedule myself an appointment today but it's hard to find one that doesn't interfere with any of kaylas appointments. My dear daughter injured herself riding her skateboard. She sprained an ankle and broke the other one. She ended up needing surgery to place a screw in the broken ankle and has many follow up app

Earlier this year I cast a net to see if I could get enough people to join me for Relay for Life, so I could start my own team. I had one reply and it was far from a promise to join. Finally I decided that the only way to get people to join was to ask each person I wanted on my team directly. I actually got a great response that way, and I had a team of 10 in no time. We did our thing and raised our money and got our stuff together for the day of Relay. Relay for Life is a great fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. The relay lasts for 24 hours from 9am on saturday to 9am on sunday. One person from the team is supposed to be walking on the track at all times, but all of you can walk or just a few at a time. We all decided to stay for the whole 24 hours. At one point none of us were walking because we were all so tired, but I think we can plan it better next year. We rocked the theme laps, but we missunderstood it in the beginning and then we kept missing the judges. This is anot

I have always been that girl. The one who isn't quite cool enough. The girl who sat in the middle. (figuratively) I wasn't a leader, but I wasn't a rebel or really a follower either. I kind of just drifted along blending in not doing anything extraordinary. Probably not really remembered for much besides having red hair, or being friends with someone who was remembered, or maybe for getting pregnant in high school - but even then I still managed to blend in. I wasn't even one of the people that were uncool to the popular kids, but cool within their own group. I wasn't ever really even in a group. I find as an adult I suffer the same fate. I think that as a person I am not thought of much. I have a few really great friends. they are both - yes I said both as in there are only two - old friends. OK that's kind of a lie. I do have 2 newer friends that have been amazing as well. so although my facebook says I have some huge number of friends, I actually have 4. (th

Isnt it cute

My oldest daughter participated in the day of silence today to bring attention to LBGT teen issues. For her it was a way to honor the LBGT teens that have either comitted suicide, or been victims of hate crimes because of their sexuality. She amazes me with her open mindedness and compassion towards people who have to deal with descrimination because of who they love. She is a firm believer in the statement "Sex doesn't matter" She told me that if you love someone then it shouldn't matter if they are man or woman or in the process of changing from one to the other. What an amazing 12 year old. I am so proud of her. I have started a team for my local relay for life in Livermore, CA. I decided to get serious about it after a few months of tossing the idea around. It took all of 3 hours to get almost a full team of 10 ladies together. My husband decided to donate $100 which was my goal. So I raised my goal to motivate myself to continue collecting donations. I won't

Do you ever feel like you are the only one that really takes the time to understand things? I feel like I spend so much time trying to understand everything around me, and no one else really gives a shit. It's not necessarily a bad thing I just wonder if I waste a lot of my time figuring out things that don't matter at all. Should I just accept that things are the way they are, and things happen the way they happen and people act the way they act, and there's no rhyme or reason behind it? It is what it is because it is what it is...... My doctors appointment went fine. basically there is nothing wrong with me according to my physical and blood work. But I am still convinced that my hormones are off how else can they explain the fact that I have like a 50 day cycle? It doesn't make any sense. My meds are staying the same which is fine because I am happy with them right now. My extraction also went well. I was in pretty bad pain fr about 4-5 days, but I went back to work

I have been out of meds for over a week now. I got them yesterday and took one before bed as usual. I slept ALL day. I didn't wake up until around 6pm. I was sad and angry as soon as I woke up. I have been in a slump all night. Josh left for base tonight from SFO and I wasn't there. I feel terrible about it, but we did already say our goodbyes. I was looking forward to going to the celtic festival in Sonora, but we didn't do that either. I don't know that today would have turned out better if I hadn't slept through the majority of it, but I just feel like a waste right now. Tomorrow is back to work. I'm nervous that the person I was filing in for is going to be pissed about how I did things while she was gone, but I tried my best to fill her shoes. It's been crazy and not having all of the information I would need to do the job correctly wasn't my fault. Hopefully I can get back into the groove of chairside quickly and with out too many interuptions from

We just got home from dropping josh off at his moms house. He will be tnere until sunday then he goes back to base until the 21st, which is when he leaves for afghanistan. We had fun last night.i have some hilarious videos to watch when I get sad. Maybe I should watch them now.... I cried about 1/2 the way home. I posted some pics of us outside the house before we left.so sad right now.i miss him already.

For 2 whole weeks I will be sitting at the front desk at my office. The office manager is going on vacation and I have been training as her back up since I started working there. I am kins of freaked out, but I think I will do fine. I really really hope nothing goes wrong though. I want to prove myself. I have been working hard to learn everything, but there is always the self doubt lingering in the back of my mind when I have to do something new for the first time. Lydia is really sick, and I tried hard to stay away from her as much as possible since there is no way I can take a day off if I end up contracting whatever it was she had. I cannot sleep on the bathroom floor while trying to run the office. Cross your fingers for me. I will just keep telling myself "You know what you are doing. you can do this."

I'm having a bad day. I hurt my back last night and it was still hurting badly when I woke up. I wanted to get the girls' room clean today, but that didn't happen. I had to take some pain medication just to sit peacefully on the couch. Josh took me to pick up the new phones Steve and I got. I wasn't thinking and I had them set up Steve's phone while I was in the store, which meant the phone he had with him at work today was useless. I fell asleep on the couch because I finally wasn't hurting so bad. Steve wasn't in such a great mood when he got home and I felt bad because the phone was frustrating him. I always get anxious when he is frustrated because I have a problem, where I take responsibility for whatever is irritating him. Even if it's not my fault. Then I feel guilty. Even though my back really hurts I feel like I shouldn't complain because Steve's back hurts every day. He has to take the same meds I took (once) every day just to be able t

I set a goal of raising $200 in donations for Malaria nets. I always set goals and think "that won't be so hard" but then I get no donations. The Malaria nets are only $10 each. So I figured I could try to get 20 people to donate a net. We will see though. I would love to feel like I worked on something that is actually saving lives. If you want to donate here is the website I set up http://www.globalproblems-globalsolutions.org/goto/killthebuzz I also posted it on Facebook. If you don't want to get emails from the foundation and all of that you can definitely contact me and send the donation to me by mail and I will make sure it is added to the total. In other news my living room is a completely different place than it was a week ago. It's kind of crazy. We got couched from a friend, we bought a new entertainment center, coffee table, end table, ottomans, book shelves and a dvd shelf. it was a total mess in here for days. We finally got our income tax return and

As of yesterday we have internet at home again. This means more blogs. yay! So here we go. Things have been going really well on my new medication. Work is good and so is stuff at home. but as my friend Laura once said - I am not someone to blow sunshine up your ass. :) I've been having a hard time with the loss of my grandma. I'm still dreaming about her almost every night. I made a trip up to her house nad saw it all redone and almost ready to go on the market and i haven't had anymore dreams about being inside the house. I still dream about the pool and the building though. I hve been feeling guilty about not crying much over her loss. I am a big cryer. I have watched a few movies that made me start tearing up and I realized after that I kind of stop myself from crying by thinking "I didn't even cry when my grandma died - how can I be crying over this." I really miss her. It's almost my birthday again and I will be 31 this year. not such a milestone, bu

Things have been crazy recently, but it's beginning to settle down. I got a job right down the street from my house in November. It was hectic at first, but I have gotten into somewhat of a routine in my office. my step-son has come and gone once again. we had 2 weeks with him for the Christmas holiday. He is done with his SOI training and is now stationed in Twentynine Plams CA. Apparently he will be deployed to Afghanistan in March. I am not happy about that, but he seems to be pretty stoked. Christmas was amazing. Everyone got what they wanted, including me. I got my NOOK! I've read over 2500 pages since i got it. Nice huh? New Years was fun. I went to Centerfolds with my hubby and had a good time. Abby turned 3 yesterday! My youngest baby is 3 years old. My 12 year old, Kayla kind of hit the nail on the head for me when she said " She's been 2 forever" it really has seemed that way. The Lexipro seems to be working pretty well for me. I'm feeling pretty goo