Jessica Thinks

A lot has happened since my last post. My grandma passed away on October 19th. we had her funeral and I was able to stand up and speak about her. I created a 12 minute slide show that was presented befor the services at the church. I also performed the graveside service. I felt I did as much as I could to memorialize my grandma. My step-son made me cry as a bearer at the funeral in his dress blues. Speaking of my stepson he left us again. Back down to Camp Pendelton in Oceanside to start his SOI training. It's a lot easier this time around since he is allowed to have his phone and we have been able to talk and text at least weekly. I saw a doctor finally and after being off meds for over a month I was placed on Lexapro. It's gotten to the point that I don't even know what I've been on. I don't remember if I've been on Lexapro, but it seem so be helping. It's been about 3 weeks so far. The tattoo shop down the street from my house had a special on any tattoo ...

Today I am writing from Capitola. The weather here is perfect for writing this blog. It's so overcast and cold. I have been here since Tuesday and it is now Friday and every morning has been hot and sunny then around 2pm the fog rolls in and it gets chilly. Today is different. It was cold when i woke up. I am here because my grandma is dying. It sounds harsh to say it that way but I can't think of another dance around the word way to say it. She has cancer and it is killing her. I am here because I wanted to see her again before she was gone. I have stayed longer than I planned when i left my house on Tuesday. And I'm probably going to stay longer. I feel bad for leaving my kids (not that they are alone - they are taken are of) but I would also feel bad if I left and she died. I feel bad every time she stirs around in her bed, because I know she is either in pain or she just wants to get out of here (physically or spiritually - I can't tell) It hasn't gotten any eas...

I know it's been a long long time since my last post. and I haven't had much content for a while now. I have a few minutes to post while I am waiting for the photos we took at my step-sons graduation from boot camp to load onto my facebook. Right now I am 30 years old and I am the parent of a man. WOW! how did that happen? I mean, I know how it happened. It's just crazy. I haven't really been dealing with it, because he was just away at boot camp. It was only 3 months. but now that he is here and I know it its only until the 26th and then he will be going to Camp Pendleton for his infantry training, and then training for his specific job, then he will be sent where ever it is he is going to go. I'm kind of freaking out. I took him to get his first tattoo last night. He got a TATTOO. and he didn't need parental permission or money. he did it all on his own. I sat there for "moral support" really I just wanted to be there and watch and hopefully give him...

I wanted to post a nice well thought out long blog today, but I am at the library and Abby is just going nuts with the puppy in training and I can't post much because I have to make sure she doesn't kill the poor thing. She has turned into captain destructo in the last few weeks. I don't know what to do with her. Hopefully I can get a blog written soon.

I almost forgot to post about my new endeavor. I am trying to quit smoking. I have switched from regular cigarettes to Ecigarettes.I haven't had a cigarette in over 4 days. I' doing great with the ecigarette. I have no cravings for a real on at all. I am going to slowly step down the nicotine levels until I am off of it completely. I will keep you updated on my progress. I am also seriously considering the Master Cleanse. If anyone has experience with this let me know about it.

School is over I have officially started my externship. The externship is actually considered the last course of school before I am a graduate. It is 6 weeks long just like all of the other courses, but we do not go to class. Instead we go to work at a dentist office for a minimum of 180 hours to get on the job training and practice what we have learned in a clinical setting. I had major issues getting a site lined up. I was originally planning on going to a site in Mountain House, but the instructors wanted to send me to a site that they thought needed further evaluation as an extern site for them to use in the future. I agreed to go to that site and gave up Mountain House to my really good friend. Then I started having second thoughts about that site and when I told the program director about my thoughts she called the dentist herself and then decided I should not go there. I was all set up to go to another site that I had heard from a former student was really good. then the career ...

I've always loved that lyric from Fiona Apple. "Full is not heavy as empty" This is so true. Just think how heavy things feel when they are empty. Of course I'm not talking about containers, but things in life... or just life itself. Right now I'm about half full. I have my kids and my husband and I am working on getting a career started. So half full is about accurate. Studying for my exit final is stress on a stick. (thanks Laura now everything is on a stick) I don't have a lot of time for a long post right now since I am at a friends house and I feel bad for letting her ply with my kids so I can indulge in the internet. I will be back soon though. i have 5 more days before I start my weening from prozac. So I will be back to update.

So here I am in my car hoping the battery on my laptop holds out until I am done with this post. I am using the free wireless from the library which is closed. Luckily it's not 100 degrees outside right now. I'm begging the higher power for a calm after this storm. I am almost done with classes. I start my extern soon. Steve started a job and everything should be great. Instead I am going nuts. The Dr wants me to come off of prozac, because she is really old and thinks that if I quit smoking and I take the kids for a walk outside I will get better. Super! We are getting notices left and right and I feel like I need to make some kind of list of what is the most important - what should be paid first when money starts coming in - and how long we have to live this way before we can have some normal stuff back. I won't bore you with that list here, but it will be a very very long list. We need a baby sitter after these first 2 weeks of Steve working and I am not ready for the ki...

There are 3 big things going on right now that have me exteremely figity. Every time any of them even cross my mind I get the free fall feeling in my stomach, which is annoying. One: I have 2 weeks of this course and then I will be on my last course - after that is extern. I am nervous about extern and about trying to get a job after that. I have a lot of stuff to do for school before I go out on extern. I know it won't be a big deal once I get started on the assignments, but it is just a daunting task hanging in front of me. It's like 10 times worse than a sink full of dishes that you know you have to do, but you just really would rather not. Two: Josh is leaving. It's going to be weird, and I know the girls are going to miss him. I am going to miss the smart ass too. and to be honest I have felt a little pushed aside because I am not his parent. It really is my own doing, because I let myself fade into the background during big events where Steve and Kathy are both there ...

Another course is ending tomorrow. 17 people are leaving (graduating) and they are going to be missed. Things are changing all around me. New classmates, summer vacation for the kids, Steve is probably getting a job, it's a lot of change. I am happy about all of it, but it's just hard for me to figure out how to adjust myself to the changes. I will meet all of the new students on Friday at the orientation, I will find a baby sitter for the kids if Steve gets the job, and I will figure out how to be a student and a housewife, so I will be ready to fall back into the working mom role once I graduate. The house needs a major clean sweep. I think Spring Cleaning is an understatement. We need paint, garage sale, bathroom redo, etc... It's getting overwhelming. It makes me wish the girls were all older so that if I do it now I know it will stay nice for a while. I feel like it would be wasting our time to fix everything up now, when they will just write on the walls again next we...

We are going into he 3rd week of the course on sealants at school. This is going to be another frustrating course. I still need another patient in order to even pass this course. I have decided to remove the sanity scale because it was kind of annoying to try to put a number on my mood. The Prozac seems to be working OK. I feel a little better, and less depressed, but I am still tired all of the time. I'm starting to think I just have chronic fatigue instead of depression. I started working for a restaurant -passing out coupons and trying to sell their catering services. I have also been filling in on some weekend nights as cashier to help them out and make a little extra money. And I got my step son a job there as a dishwasher. Working the register kills my knees and makes me so damn tired. but I feel a little better about myself because I am doing something to bring in some money while I am in school. I have to give props to my husband (because he said I do) for keeping up with t...

Today was hard. I wish I was stronger. I had to go to a conference at my daughters school about her grades. Her Father was there and I was basically blamed for everything wrong with my daughters life. I left and cried in the parking lot. I went to school and distracted myself for a while. I came home and sat with Kayla for about 2 hours doing her homework. I fed the kids and started my homework, when kayla decided she wanted to have her hair dyed. I told her no, and the fit began. One thing leads to another and Kayla is calling her dad and crying. She refused to give me the phone and screamed that she was afraid of me. She is really enjoying this playing us against each other stuff. I got into a conversation with him and ended up telling him I don't want to talk to him I hate seeing his face because it reminds me of when he Beat the crap out of me. He tried apologizing but never actually admitted that he did it. He said "I'm sorry" and I asked him "sorry for what...

I am with a new doctor and she prescribed me Prozac instead of the Celexa that I was previously on. I told her that I wasn't feeling like the Celexa was working for me as much as it did in the beginning. I have been on it for about a week and a half now, and I haven't seen much of a difference, but I know I need to give it time. School is going well. I am keeping my grades up and learning a lot. I was feeling disappointed after the last course because it was so hard, but I still got a B in lab and an A in Lecture, so I feel better about it now. Starting out on the course I started with really set me up with high expectations. I have noticed myself feeling disappointed if I don't get 100% on my tests and thats unrealistic. So I have decided to make an effort to give myself credit when I do a god job, and not be so hard on myself. I honestly don't have a rating for myself this week. So I'm just going to wait until I feel some kind of effect from the new medications.

I'm not sure whats going on with me, but I have been clenching my teeth so bad that I'm waking up with a sore jaw. I wore my night guard last night even though I already bit through the front of it. and now I apparently bit my lip. I have been so tired all of the time. I can not keep myself awake. I finally have insurance again so I am going to make an appointment with a doctor, and hopefully He can help. I went from having trouble falling asleep to passing out before my head hits the pillow. I just want sleep, but I know I shouldn't be so tired.

My brothers girlfriend bought tickets for the 2 of us to see Wicked (the musical) in San Francisco, for my bithday. It was so much fun. The show was amazing. I want to go again. The set was beautiful, the songs were great. the actors were talented. Glinda was hillarious, and the woman playing Elphaba was an amazing singer. The chorus was great. The whole show was just awesome. Our seats were great (7th row)We had a good dinner with Clam chowder and seafood alfredo at the Market Street Grill accross the street from the Orphium. We got lost on our way back to my house but it was funny instead of frustrating. We stopped at 7-11 and both admitted to having the urge to tell the random customers in the store that we had just seen Wicked. It was a great experience. and I hope to see the play again before it leaves SF. Sanity levels are all over the place this week. I have been sick and exhausted, and excited and happy, anxious because the dentist had to come in our class and examine u...

I have moved on to my second course in school and it is so technical. I need to study so much harder and pay much closer attention. We have to bring in our own patients and everyone is having trouble with that task. Our first clinic day was nuts. I had fun working in the sterile area for most of the day. My mom, Steve and Kayla were all seen so they can be patients for the rest of my time in school. I am frustrated with myself right now because of school. I have still been doing well, but not as good as beofre. I need to get my butt in gear if I am going to meet my goal of 4.0 every course. I already lost my first goal of getting 100% on all of the spelling tests for the course. and I won't get perfect attendance either because of a major accident on 580 before tracy that made me miss half of a day. So no star pins for my name badge this course either. One good thing about school right now is that I am making friends. I feel comfortable with everyone in class and even feel like I ...

I finished reading Tempted by Kristen and P.C. Cast. It is the latest installment from the House of Night Series. The series is geared towards young adults, which I like to read because they are easy and fast. Or as I like to call them Quick and Dirty! It was a good read and took some interesting turns in the story line. The complaint I have is that I have been waiting months to get my hands on this book and it seemed so short. There is obviously a new book in the works, but I wanted more. After that long wait I was a little disappointed that the book only covered a few days. Besides that it was what I expected. The writing isn't the best, but I knew that going in. If you like vampires (or vampyres - as they are called in this book) and easy reading - young adult books, then I recommend you pick up Marked which is the first book in the series.

Happy Birthday Mom. If I wasn't broke I would buy this painting for you because it reminds me of you and I know you would love it. I hope you have a wonderful tomorrow - and no this is not an excuse not to call you on your birthday!! http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=39397045 this is a link to the painting (since I used the photo - I thought I should provide access to the page where it is available for purchase.

I finished reading The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown. It was pretty good. It was fast paced, but then it would skip to another part of the story. It wouldn't be so bad in a movie, but I found myself wanting to skip over parts to get back to the subject I was already reading about. I didn't of course, but I wanted to. If you have read the other books in the Robert Langdon series you will probably enjoy this book as well. It is based on some masonic legends. Steve read the book as well and as a mason he said it is entertaining and thought provoking. We had a few discussions about the main idea of the book and how our opinions on the subject differed. It was nice to have our own little discussion group about the book. I am currently reading American on Purpose, by Craig Ferguson. If you are a fan of his late, late show I suggest you pick this one up. Even if you aren'T a fan, or if you have never heard of him I still suggest it. It's an autobiography, and he has had an interest...

I finished my first term at school. I got a 97% on my final. for a total of 101% in my lecture class, and an 85% in my lab class. I was annoyed at the B until I found out that no one got an A. My total grade is a 96%, which is a 4.0. I am so proud of myself. I worked really hard and did my best which was hard at times. I am going to continue working hard, and pushing myself. My new goals for this course are: -get perfect attendance -get perfect spelling/terminology scores -raise my lab grade -score high on my final again This is for my sister: On the list of things I love I mentioned my family, but I did not directly mention my sister. I Love my sister for many reasons. One of which is that she mentioned that I did not mention her directly on my list. I love that we can say 2 words to eachother and crack up about it and no one else will understand - bean hole! My sister was not always my best friend, but I could not live without her now. I need to talk to her AT LEAST every other day i...

Here is a quick picture of my Model teeth, just to see if this works.

Today was much better. I was fine getting up this morning and I got off to school with out a problem. I did have an issue driving in the bad weather, but I made it to Tracy and rode with a classmate the rest of the way. She is super nice and conversation flows easily with her. Both of my presentations went well. I got an A on the research project (I worked with 2 partners) I talked for what seemed like longer than the other students about myself/my family. I packed my poster with pictures and I went through everyone and told a little about them. With so many people in my house it was a long presentation. I had the beginnings of a panic attack in class today. I don't know what the trigger was, but I started having a tight chest, and feeling really chlostrophobic.As the involuntary tears started in the inside corners of my eyes I looked up towards the ceiling and took a few deep breaths through my nose and out my mouth. I took my hands and smoothed them back over my hair, then from m...

I just wanted to write a quick post before bed. Today was a tough one for me. Nothing really happened, but I was not handling myself very well today. I don't know if it was the weather or hormonal imbalances or what, but I was in a sleep all day mood. I did not get to sleep all day because I had things to do, but I was lost in music while driving around and I was feeling really negative all day. I ended up with a headache, which I'm pretty sure came from clenching my teeth. My nephews new album and the discovery of a blog with reviews of young adult books have given me momentary happiness. I am looking forward to looking up some of the books I read about at the library. And the new album is really good. I'm listening to it right now. I always feel like it's important to mention that I am happy with my life, and I love my husband and family even though today I was not at the top of my game. Tomorrow I have to give 2 oral presentations and one of them is all about me. Rea...

The phrase "Catching up" applies to so many aspects of my life right now. School: I am finally caught up, but I have been staying after school for days to get it all done. I still have a set of model teeth to trim and make beautiful, but I don't need it for a grade so I am just going to take them home for now, and hope that I get a chance to trim it at some point. Money: It's really hard right now, but we are trying to catch up on our bills. Things are slowly getting shut off at my house while others are getting paid off. Writing: With all of the other catching up my writing has fallen off a bit --- or more accurately, I haven't written anything for my novel since I started school. I have made some notes though, so at least I'm keeping it fresh in my mind. I have not been blogging daily, but I don't think that's a big deal. I don't have interesting thoughts every day so I'd rather wait until I have something to say to write a blog. Family has b...

I pretty much gather that most of who voted in my poll would like to hear about my depression and anxiety. I will continue with those updates. I will drop the weight loss updates. Other than that I will just write about things as the mood strikes. You will most likely hear about daily life - school and home because without those experiences -not much else I do makes sense. As I read books I will mention them, and when I am done, I will write reviews. As you know I have a bunch of kids, and my kids have a bunch of stuff, so I will write reviews of that stuff, and some of my own stuff from time to time as well. I will also keep the running list of the movies I watch. I have an old list, but I'm not sure if it is worth it to transfer that information here. If you are really interested in seeing the old list, comment this message and I will try to think of the best way to post that information. I will not write a film review, but I will let you know whether or not I liked it. My idea w...

I'm back even though I'm tired. My first day back at school was fun. I finished my first plaster model of a set of teeth. Im staying after school tomorrow so I can finish taking molds of another students teeth and pouring it in plaster so I can Trim into an awesome model. So, back to the getting to know me lists. I figured since this is my blog I can talk about myself without seeming vain. Plus it really is to help those who don't already know me. So here we go. List number 2 and list number 3: 2. Things that I really like. (which is different than the things that I love...) Glitter creating things (knitting, sewing, baking) Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, True Blood, and Big Love Twilight (ya I know. guilty pleasure) Make-up My iPod crap reality TV (ie. Rock of Love) Cupcakes 3. Things that I'm not too fond of: doing dishes washing my hair sweating re-runs driving home work poor listeners chocolate -chocolate cake When the kids write in my books tight shoes s...

I realize that most of my readers will be people who already know me. But in the case that you ended up here, and you have no idea who I am I thought it would be nice to kind of let you know who you are dealing with here. For future reference My husbands name is Steve, and we have 5 kids. Josh(17), Kayla(11), Christa(11),they are step sisters- not twins, Lydia(5), and Abby (2). As soon as I say I'm going to sit here and write about myself my mind goes blank. Interesting... Ok well I guess I will start off listing a few things that I LOVE. That will get me started. There are the obvious things. My children, my husband, my family, etc. But I think I will get a little more specific, and also a little more personal.I Love... the way Abby says "sorry" Lydia's imagination the feeling of playdough raw cookie dough calla lilies my husbands arms watching movies kaylas laugh that christa and I have connected over books Josh's personality (except the lazy part) When abby...

I finally have a blog. I've been putting this off for about a year, because I thought I was too busy to keep a blog. But with all of the time I spend updating my facebook, that was just a poor excuse. So here I am. I will be sharing my thoughts on everything in my life. You can count on book, movie and food reviews... Stories of motherhood...diet and exercise updates... photos of my family...links to interesting things I find online...updates on my sanity level, and of course my random thoughts. Enjoy!